Pish/Posh

Tyler Durden: Perfect Date.

February 1, 2010 · Leave a Comment

In a recent conversation with one BFF (in response to a certain situation and my crappy mood as of late), I told her that Baby Sister calls me GiGi from “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Not surprisingly, BFF Alanna had never seen this movie. Her suggestion was to watch “Fight Club” instead.

I love “Fight Club.” I would love it still even if my uncanny ability to quote it (and effectively use those quotes in everyday conversation) as well as look eerily like Marla Singer in a Halloween costume didn’t make me insanely popular with the gentlemen. In my opinion, a man who doesn’t know his “Fight Club” is not worth my time. That’s right, I just said that. Because some would say that it’s the quintessential guy movie- and I agree.

Except it’s also my go to film when I’m sad on the couch, wallowing in self-pity, hating life in general. It’s my “You’ve Got Mail.” It’s the movie I’d rather watch every single time over “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.” Not that that movie doesn’t have it’s merits- haha, just kidding. It doesn’t. So, the following is my argument as to why you all you ladies out there need to give it a shot next time instead of making yourself feel worse by watching stuffy stereotypes created by male writers who want to make you feel bad about yourself so you keep buying tickets to these movies.

(Real quick, case in point: how many oh so awesome writers for a women’s magazine do you know that would give up a job for an ad executive they literally just met ten days ago in which a whole relationship was based on lie after lie? Don’t give me it’s a fairy tale or it’s just a movie bullshit- it’s insulting.)

REASON NUMBER ONE: Brad Pitt shirtless. Edward Norton shirtless. Jared Leto shirtless. I don’t think I need to explain myself anymore than this:

REASON NUMBER TWO: Violence. If you are angry, this is the hand to hand combat that you can really get into. Plus! It has a point, it moves the plot along. It’s not mindless, it’s provocative bludgeoning.

REASON NUMBER THREE: Men. As I’ve mentioned above, guys like “Fight Club.” Guys like it when girls can quote “Fight Club.” I’ve gotten a lot of action with “Oh I get it, it’s very clever. How’s that working out for you?” “What?” “Being clever.” Lots o’ tail.

REASON NUMBER FOUR: Conversation starters. If you could fight anyone, who would you fight? Think about it, it’s not an easy question to answer.

REASON NUMBER FIVE: Helena Bonham Carter kicks Kate Hudson’s pansy ass any day of the week.

REASON NUMBER SIX: I can watch this movie and notice something new every time I watch it. I won’t ruin the spoiler if you are lame and haven’t seen it in the TEN years it’s been out, but if you go back and watch it you realize that it’s the only real explanation for all the little details that start to bug you upon first viewing. Didn’t catch those details? Watch it a third time. A fourth time. The movie changes the more you see it and when you see it- how many movies hold different meaning to you during different times in your life? Does “Maid in Manhattan” do that for you? If so, stop reading this.

REASON NUMBER SEVEN: It’s a love story! Isn’t that why we watch Romantic Comedies? To see two people fall in love against the odds? The last scene of “Fight Club” is beautiful!

I can’t wait until I meet a crazy guy and together we watch all of the national banks detonate from the front row. That’s WAYYYY better than running down a street/airport terminal towards Matthew McConaughey. See, just watching this now I noticed that Marla seems to be more surprised by his hand than the explosions… another nuance I never saw before. Sigh.

(I’m listening to the trailer for “Dear John” right now… I want to hurt someone.)

I think you get my point, but you should find your own reasons. Personally, I think the best part is that it brings back a lot of good memories for me. From last summer, from college, from high school when I first saw it and the important people in my life that were there. It remains one of my absolute favorites.

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Saturday Night In

January 31, 2010 · Leave a Comment

I’ve been uncontrollably cranky lately. I didn’t get a job I wanted, I’m frustrated, I’m broke, I’m hungry and I want nice things. I could have gone out with some fabulous people tonight, but instead opted for Jon Hamm and Michael Buble on SNL. So, I came to this realization (which has nothing to do with my mood but is still very true):

Micheal Buble makes really generic music. Nothing bad, nothing good, just generic. And you know what? That is O-K with me.

It is really hard staying up with the times (and you know I meant that because REALLY was in bold). Stop laughing. I’m getting old- turning 27 in March. It takes too much time out of my unemployed day to be watching the best shows, seeing the best movies, eating at the best restaurants, and drinking at the best bars. And on top of all of that I need to be witty too? UGH. NO. I need to be worried about not having money and how I’m going to pay my gas bill so I don’t freeze to death- not making sure I know what’s playing at Sundance. So that being said, Michael Buble is awesome.

I have no idea what he just sang as I was typing this, but it sounded good. I didn’t have to think about it. It didn’t make me emotional. It was just in the background. It was great.

I think this means my brain’s finally turned into mush.

(Except I found this song… )

*You might recognize it from the season 4 teaser trailer for “The Tudors” of which I am obsessed. If nothing else, their whole CD “Lungs” is good to add to the make out mix.

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Hey, Remember the 90s?

January 25, 2010 · Leave a Comment

First of all, congratulations to @joeg2001 with the winning bid for Lisa and more importantly, for Haiti. Also, special thanks to @clevelandleader for their support in this whole “whoring out my sister for charity” thing.

For whatever reason, that fabulous decade we refer to as the 90s (you know, right before Gen X ruined everything with their indifference and laziness- KIDDING! [am I?]) keeps coming back into my life. Whether it be dating guys who graduated from high school in the middle of the decade (I graduated HS in 2001), a literal quote war over “Can’t Hardly Wait” via texts between this guy, myself, and BFF Alanna, OR hangover lunch with Baby Sister at Winking Lizard today (the jukebox was playing some good ones)…

I’m feeling very nostalgic for my years at Mayfield High.

Something which I thought was impossible.

Also, Mod Cloth had a blog post pondering if you were a Kelly or a Lisa (from “Saved by the Bell”) which left me thinking that we all better watch out before flower hats, baby doll dresses, and platform shoes come back into style.

What gives? Are we over our 80s infatuation already (though, truthfully it did last awhile)? Can there ever be a new idea? Does this mean they’re remaking “Blossom”?

Too much to think about when I really should be sleeping before the Big Interview.

So, I’ll let the poets speak where I have no words:

At the risk of sounding cheesy,

I’m in love with the 90s. Let’s get Alicia Silverstone, Ethan Embry, and Breckin Meyer working again.

And now, for your viewing pleasure…

“Hey yo Gina baby, wanna dance?”

(PS, yes, I’m sitting here at 2:20am rapping “Rich”’s part from “Girl on TV”)

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Adventures in Shopping.

January 21, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Before I start this silly post about shopping and spending money (after donating to OXFAM Int’l of course), let me remind you that Lisa and I are 100% serious. She’s for sale- you can buy her for a date. Bids are at $200 right now- let’s go a little higher! She’s got to be worth [thinks about it]… at least twice that. Go now!

OK.

So, I thought to myself the other day: “Hey you, feeling down? I think you need to go to the only therapy that truly understands you.” Of course, that was the wonderful psychiatric hospital that is Beachwood Place with its expert shrinks: Drs. Nordstrom, Sephora, and Aldo. Because nothing says calming like a bunch of crazy housewives on shopping binges. I kid, I kid. Beachwood Place has expanded its demo to include groups like: spoiled brats, emo kids, and old man-who-just-wants-to-sit-god-dammit.

So, I roll the Cutlass into the Nordstrom parking lot looking like a hobo (this, in my opinion, is the best way to shop at Beachwood- comfortable and just threatening enough to look like you could steal something). Had my old Kent hoodie with the chocolate stain, some old jeans, and last season’s high waist pea coat with a loose button. Lemme tell you, all I was missing was fingerless gloves, a wool cap, and a barrel fire. HOT. STUFF.

So I did my blitz shopping- go in a store knowing what you want and do not veer from the plan. So that’s how it went: ALDO-ACCESSORIES-HEADBAND AND COSTUME PEARLS. DONE! H&M- BOYFRIEND JACKET AND CLASSY BLACK DRESS— CARLY DO NOT LOOK AT THE SKINNY JEANS. STOP IT!— AAAAND DONE. I was on a roll, knocking back stores one by one. “Can I help you?” the sales girls say. I smile and keep walking. There. is. no. time. You gotta shop like a massive tidal wave is coming at you and the only thing that can save you is a new pair of Steve Madden ballet flats.

Things were going great. Until I saw them: White Flower Bakery. Cute little cupcakes all in a row, taunting me with butter cream frosting two inches thick. 2/FIVE FREAKIN’ DOLLARS. So, natch’ I had to get two. You don’t just walk away from 2-fers like that. Well, I hightailed it out (but not before walking two circles around Nordstrom trying to figure out what entrance I was parked by) and headed for destination 2: University Square.

Now, I know a lot of you elitists have opinions about the Square and no, nobody has ever been kidnapped, shot, or raped in the back of a van there to my knowledge. I happen to love the Square if not just for the escalators that you can put your cart on in Target. I pulled in, parked the car, headed for Teej’s and Targ’s. It took me an hour in both stores to find what I thought was a duvet for my bed (turns out, it is not even a duvet, but a coverlet) before walking out and taking the elevator down to level one. Only guess what, my car wasn’t there.

It took another 25 minutes of walking around, panicking that my clunker of a car was stolen and being scrapped for parts, before I realized that it was one level up.

THE END.

Don’t forget, I’m still running the auction and Lisa is well worth it! Go now and place your bid!

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Lisa for Earthquake Relief

January 17, 2010 · 1 Comment

What happened in Haiti is horrible, and I KNOW that we can all agree to that. In an effort to raise awareness and money for the cause, I have made the decision to put up for auction something that’s somewhat important to me:

My little sister.

Lisa is 5′8, a graduate of Kent State University, and a former gymnast and cheerleader. She enjoys going downtown and her favorite restaurant is Brio. She is a brunette (as you can see above) and very fun to be around. Her favorite kind of music is hip hop and she recently turned 24.

If you think I’m kidding, better recognize fools.

BIDDING BEGINS AT $50, LEAVE YOUR BID IN THE COMMENT SECTION OR EMAIL ME AT PISHPOSHCLEVELAND@GMAIL.COM. YOU WILL BE SCREENED, SO NO WEIRDOS. THIS IS MY BABY SISTER WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. ALL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO OXFAM INTERNATIONAL. BIDDING CLOSES IN ONE WEEK.

A chaperon will be provided if requested. Date does cover include cost of alcohol. Dates are subject to schedule changes and final approval will be by Lisa.

UPDATE: As much as it kills me to look at these pictures that we are seeing from Port-Au-Prince, a city of 2 million people reduced to nothing, it’s important to keep in mind that there is still so much to be done. I know that this post seems to be I am making light of a horrible situation, however, I’m serious- Lisa is offering a date and I will do anything to bring attention to this cause. Even auction off family members. If you’re interested, my mom can come clean your house and my grandma can make you dinner, too.

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“F-star-star-K Jay Leno!”

January 17, 2010 · Leave a Comment

Since everyone is weighing in on the Conan-Leno thing, I just thought I’d share my personal reason for not liking Jay Leno. By the time you’re done reading this, you’ll either a) think my friends and I are ridiculous or b) agree whole heartedly with my line of thinking. BFF Alanna, you may have to fact check this because it’s a little fuzzy in the annals of my memory. Hehe, I said annal.

So, I think the story goes like this… oh wait, let me back up (I feel like Robert Downey, Jr narrating “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”. Kudos if you got that.) We had-well, have- this friend Jake. Jake was-I mean, IS- a free spirit. Especially in college. If we had an adventure (golfing behind the dorm, poking fish with sticks, going to a country bar in the middle of Hamilton County, “Blue Crush”, John Kerry rally), chances are he was there. Actually, I wasn’t part of “Blue Crush,” but whatever. He made his own ice luges, planted a vegetable garden in his backyard at school, had Twister at his zany birthday, went to Luxembourg- he was THAT guy, the crazy fun one.

So if you’ve ever been to Oxford, Ohio, you know that uptown is where the bars were. On this particular evening, Jay Leno was visiting campus and had just done his (I’m sure very bland) show at Millet Stadium. (Hall? Stadium? Did I even go to Miami U?) After pregaming at our apartment (named the Alamo, if that tells you anything), we hoofed it up Main to High Street (BFF Alanna, me, some others). Well somehow in the drunken whirling dirvish that is college, we met up with Jake and his friend Chris. Not that knowing Chris was there is at all vital to the story, but I digress. I’m not sure the sequence of events, but Jake told us the following:

(Oh yeah, before that, there is a pizza place in Oxford called Bruno’s. They actually might be gone now. Bruno’s is great- at 3 am when you’re wasted. However, as we figured out one day, not so great when you don’t have the munchies and/or what some refer to as “toe-up wasted.” Stuff tastes like cardboard.)

Ok, back to story. So Jake informed us that he had tried getting pizza at Bruno’s but couldn’t because a certain big-chinned “comedian” and his security had taken up the whole place, thus preventing any of the students who so desperately needed something to soak up all the Jager-bombs in their stomach from getting any of the horrible pizza. Of course, in drunken stupor, this came out in much more exaggerated and dramatic fashion- enraging us over the injustice.

Because, really, what kind of terrible person does that? And then steals Conan’s show five years later?

So that resulted in us marching down the street, chanting “F*** JAY LENO!” and the point of this whole story.

Oh, if we had only known how ahead of the times we were…

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In Focus(ed)

January 17, 2010 · 1 Comment

Any one who knows me knows this to be true: I LOVE TATTOOS. All caps, yes, because that’s how much I love them. (Yes, that IS my foot. I have five- one on my arm, foot, ankle, wrist, and back.) I want to scream it from the roof tops. I love getting them, I love looking at them, I love guys with them. Most of all the third one, but yeah- I am of the “tattoos are an art form” camp. My father hates them, so maybe that’s another reason why I love them so much. (Sorry, dad!) I think they’re beautiful, and even more so, something really amazing to experience whether you enjoy pain or not.

Which is why I am so excited that there is a new parlor right above the Winking Lizard in Coventry. Focused Tattoos recently opened a few months ago and has now provided me with a very good excuse to skip down the street whenever I feel like getting new ink. Little Sis and I decided to check it out yesterday. (I managed to resist the urge to get another one- difficult as it was.)

Upon walking into Focused, the first thing that you will notice is the lobby. As my sister said, “It looks like an art gallery- not a tattoo shop.”

My one complaint is that they don’t have more books or pre-fab selections for the newbies to choose from. However, this may be a way to detract the wasted idiot rolling out of Paninis who decides she wants a butterfly on her ass. Just one album sits on the coffee table, filled with photographs of happy customers. The guys are super laid back- shout out to Cedric, Jimmy, and Dino- and kept us company while Lisa was getting her work done (which took the better part of an afternoon).

I may not have come out with a new tat yesterday, but trust me when I say I’m sure I’ll be back there in the near future.

This isn’t an advertisement, but if you’re interested- Focused Tattoos is located above the Coventry Winking Lizard on Coventry Road. They have another location at 2536 St. Clair downtown as well. They take walk-ins and appointments. 216-344-9001.

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Favorites.

January 15, 2010 · 2 Comments

I did this last year when AISYH2 reached thirty posts. I’m not sure if we’re at that yet or if we’ve past it and right now I’m just a little too tired to count. So, here is my thirty-ish post list of thirty-ish things that I love and you should love, too. Not because I love them, because they are just generally awesome. And by thirty-ish, I mean 15.

Ready? (These are listed in random order, I love them all equally.)

1. Tree Country in Coventry. Specifically their sweet potato rolls, thanks to my friend Kat Siegel.

2. Corkshare.com. The latest and greatest for social networking. If you are interested, email me for details (pishposhcleveland@gmail.com) and I will get you a beta key to begin exploring something before it gets out in the market.

3. “Friday Night Lights.” Ok, so the whole Conan-Jay-NBC thing is just awful, really. BUT! The great thing about it all is that this incredible show will be brought back earlier than planned (EW is saying late April.) You can also catch up with all three seasons on Netflix Watch Instantly. Trust me ladies, you will fall madly in love with either Tim Riggins or Matt Saracen. Or in my case, both.

4. Reading the comments in “Avatar” forums. Ok, this is a little mean girl of me and I don’t care. You people have to read these things for yourself. Haven’t seen it yet, I’m sure it’s good, but I really can’t see myself wanting to commit suicide because I can’t live on a CGI planet. Stupid nerds.

5. “Modern Family.” This really isn’t a well-kept secret seeing that it is one of ABC’s highest rated new series. However, if you are like me and are hesitating to jump on this train as I was, hurry up and do it already. Fans of “Arrested Development” and “The Office” and well, just generally laughing will find this show amazing. I have dibs on Phil Dunphy for future husband. (Yep. Him.) It’s amazingly quotable, too.

6. Joseph Gordon Levitt. Sigh. I don’t really even have much to say- I actually thought Tom in “(500) Days of Summer” was a big p-u-s-you know what-y. Also, he looks really sleazy in “Inception” and his other movies were kinda boring (which is my synonym for “indie.”) But I can’t get over the scene in the diner between Summer and Tom and he looks like Ralph Wiggum when Lisa breaks up with him… you know, where you can actually pause and see the exact moment his heart breaks? I’ll comfort you, little man. Maybe stroke your hair in inappropriate and uncomfortable ways.

7. “What up with that?! with Deandre Cole” on SNL. I can’t even tell you how much I love this or why. But it’s at the point where I sing it at family function dinners (Christmas and Thanksgiving were both given a touch of soul).

8. “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This was a BFF Alanna find. I’ll let her tell you:

“Just don’t google them. They look like they probably live in a commune in Williamsburg, and knowing how you feel about stoners, I can only imagine what you’d say about hipster cultists.”

9. Disagreeing with Roger Ebert. This was actually something I fell into by mistake. He has all of his old reviews on his personal website. It started after watching the seminal classic, “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.” For some reason I wanted to see what he said about it back in ‘91. I’ll be writing a future post about it, but let’s just say I think he missed the ball. So, I started doing it with other movies I like- and really- agree or disagree, it’s kinda fun. I’m thinking of writing a book called “Ebert Just Don’t Know.” Don’t steal that idea- it’s literary gold.

10. Vintage Conan O’Brien. By now we all now that Conan is done on NBC. Which is really, really sad- especially not knowing when and where he’ll pop up on TV again. So, I suggest these gems (which you could find on either NBC, Hulu, YouTube, or somewhere…): Conan and the US Speedskating Team. Conan and Mr. T visit the orchard. Conan and Hunter S. Thompson. Conan goes to Finland. And my personal favorite, Conan and the New York Blizzard.

11. “Treme” on HBO… well, the preview. Soooo, I’m a bad TV watcher- haven’t seen more than three episodes of “The Wire.” HOWEVER, I like the preview for “Treme”- by the same people that did “The Wire.” I love New Orleans. I like jazz music. I like Steve Zahn. BFF Alanna loves Michael K. Williams. It’s a win/win for everyone.

12. “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo. Guilty pleasure. Patty is smart. It’s ridiculous. That’s all that needs to be said.

13. Getting nostalgic. Watching “the OC,” listening to Eddie Money, watching “Fight Club.” These are all security blankets to me (yes, even “Flight Club”- I am Jack’s sense of insecurity) when it’s cold and I’m sad, missing the days when i was at least 5x hotter and lived in a basement apartment with my best friends.

14. CakeWrecks.com. It makes me hungry, even when the cakes are misspelled and look like dried up dog turds.

15. And yes, of course, “The Jersey Shore.” Because while I’m still figuring out if it’s soon enough to love this show ironically, I am still going to watch it. As if I wouldn’t- psshh.

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Beating Back the Beat (Or…GTL: A Study)

January 15, 2010 · Leave a Comment

It’s Friday, and I know I promised dirt post-Jersey Shore party.

Well here it is, Cleveland. The conundrum:

How long does it take before you can enjoy something ironically? Meaning, is it too soon to be celebrating Pauly D, Ronnie, Vinnie, Sammi Sweetheart, JWoww, Snooki, and my favorite, The Situation? (Although I feel like there should be a Mario in there.)

I’m all for ironic hipster nostalgia that allows people my age to brag about their useless “Saved By The Bell” knowledge. It’s Jimmy Fallon’s one saving grace on his show- he gets that we like to make fun of stuff that we used to think was cool but really was lame but now it’s cool because we know it was lame. Ya dig? That’s the whole ironic part.

So, is it too early to embrace the Shore? I couldn’t help but wonder…

(This is an open ended question, as I do not claim to know the answers to the mysteries of the universe.)

So, enjoy these pictures while you think.

Ponder this: if a guido gels his hair in the woods, and no one is around, is he still a guido?

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All I Really Need to Know…

January 15, 2010 · Leave a Comment


Well, I’m watching mindless television (hellloooo Mcdreamy!) and that means it’s time for a new post. How many of you remember “All I really need to know I already learned in kindergarten” ?

It was a motivational poster beginning with the above phrase and followed by a bunch of DUH! stuff that makes anyone a normal human being (like “how to share,” “take a nap,” etc.) You know, stuff that even Luke Dunphy from “Modern Family” (more on my obsession with this show later) would understand. Well, in the spirit of not putting a lot of effort into something, I’m stealing that idea.

Blogs. We all read em, we all love em. Most of them have something to say, even at their most inane and irrelevant moments. In the past year, I have expanded my obsession with them- even making new friends along the way. We may have learned everything we need to know in kindergarten, but seeing that everyone has something to say lately- I’m sure we can add a little more. So, here goes nothing (and I really do meant that).

EVERYTHING ELSE I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARN FROM READING BLOGS.

Be proud of your family- love each day that you have with them. Be kick-ass and say what you know to be true. Never be afraid to be your quirky, weird self. Love your pets, they are your best friends and loyal servants no matter what they look like. Everything really is terrible, but that actually means that nothing is as bad as you think it is. Love your city- even if it is in the Rustbelt. Brevity can be your friend, but so can unrelenting candor. Embrace history- even if it is gross and morbid. If you’re going to be passive aggressive, make sure you at least spell things correctly and always remember, the written word is lasting.

And finally, if you stole something that belongs to your ex-boyfriend, let the world know.

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